Humour

End of the World in NZ

One New Zealander bloke says to another: What would you do if the world was to end in three minutes?

The second Kiwi says: I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?

The first bloke replies: Stand verrrrrrrry still.

P.G. Wodehouse

Rugby football is  game I can't claim absolutely to understand in all its niceties, if you know what I mean.  I can follow the broad, general principles, of course.  I mean to say, I know that the main scheme is to work the ball down the field somehow and deposit it over the line at the other end and that, in order to squalch this progamme, each side is allowed to put in a certain amount of assault and battery and do things to its fellow man which, if done elsewhere, would result in 14 days without the option, coupled with some strong remarks from the Bench.

P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves, 1930

Soccer & the Italians

The Italians don't cheat & Soccer isn't a ridiculous game.  Download ... 2.5 mpeg file from 2004

Who Should America Invade Next?

This is a large, 3mb, Wmv movie file courtesy of CNNNN ..... download

The Army

Letter from a Tumbarumba kid to Mum and Dad. 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ekka. All yas gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they come in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill

Pre-match displays

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world. 
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads. 
3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room. 
4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards. 
5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves. 
6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'. 
7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom. 
8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away. 
9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard. 
10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground 
11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials. 
12. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative pantomime deals in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush. 
13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following complaints from the RSPCA.

Calcutta Cup 2006

Subject: URGENT TRAVEL NEWS FROM THE BBC

England supporters awaiting the arrival of the 'Grand slam express' are advised that due to a points failure and subsequent derailment at Murrayfield, the 18.12 from Edinburgh has been cancelled.

Further bad news as the A1 south has been blocked by a large number of wheel less chariots. Police advise that any owner of a vehicle unable to swing low, should call Scottish emergency services on 0900-GETITUPYEEZ, and await the arrival of someone coming for to carry them home. Kind locals are believed to be keeping distressed England supporters supplied with large amounts of humble pie, although sour grapes are available if necessary.

Quotes of the Year 2005

Quotes of the year; Brendan Gallagher
(Filed: 29/12/2005 Uk Daily Telegraph)

"If there is a big flare-up, I casually wander over to the touchline and have a gossip with the spectators and perhaps cadge a cup of coffee from somebody's Thermos. There is nothing more ridiculous in this world than two grown adults slugging it out in public when the audience have lost interest and want to get on with the game."
Referee Glyn James, 74, reveals the secret of his success after sending off just two players in more than 3,000 games.

"Old age can be great if, like some, you are surrounded by family and friends. But it can be pretty lonely and testing if, like others, you are on your own and in poor health. We have also developed into an unofficial support group. We keep an eye out for each other and to make sure nobody is floundering."
Harvey Richards explains why the Cornish Sages - old Cornwall 'internationals' meet once a month for a pint and a pastie.

"The trouble with these Lions is that they don't sleep together!"
Dr JPR Williams' diagnosis as the Lions slip to another Test defeat. He was actually lamenting the fact that they don't share rooms.

"Ah Mr Johnson, we have been looking forward to your arrival for some time. A thousand welcomes to our poxy little island in the Pacific. I do hope your stay with us isn't too awful."
Auckland immigration official welcomes Lions observer Scott Johnson who described New Zealand as a poxy little island in the Pacific last November.

"I have a warm feeling about what we are doing here. I would urge people back home to get down here because something special is going to happen,"
Sir Clive Woodward after the Lions 30-19 win over Otago.

"Umaga should have gone round the Lions hotel with a crate of beer. It would have been frosty to start off with but it would have soon thawed,"
All Blacks legend Colin Meads ... in relation to the O'Driscoll incident.

French players

21 Things to Know about French Rugby Players

Here is a list of traits and mindsets of the average joueur français

1. - If in doubt will throw the pass.

2. - A 50 metres run across field is more productive than 10 metres forward.

3. - Every player has a licence to kick.

4. - There are many things to kick other than the pill.

5. - Sugar cubes are a highly desired pre-match and half-time fix.

6. - A defeat occurs because one's team-mates have under-performed.

7. - A hit isn’t deemed late if the victim has touched the ball in the same half as he incurs the hit.

8. - Great winners, winning change rooms are packed with back-slappers.

9. - Poor losers, the back-slappers are to be found performing post mortems in the corridors while putting the knives in.

10. - No winger plays left or right, rather they are grandstand side specialists.

11. - Views on training - Puig Aubert, Pipette, the French genius, smoked like a chimney, didn’t train and made Clive Churchill look ordinary. So why the hell am I gunna do laps?

12. - A well placed club official can overrule a touch judge.

13. - Any person financially involved with a club is entitled to call into the change room at any given time to explain what should be happening on the paddock.

14. - France triumphed in WWII courtesy of La Resistance Française.

15. - Salami and red wine are staples of the pre-game meal.

16. - Don’t chase a kick until you see the fullback catch it (if he knocks it on your efforts have been for nothing).

17. - The closer the time in which a referee can signal a try to the time the ball is grounded the higher he is regarded. Perfection is simultaneity.

18. - Referees are paid bonuses for the number of never-seen-before signals they can produce over the 80 minutes.

19. - If you start a fight or kick a few goals you are guaranteed man of the match and are a very strong chance of making the paper.

20. - Teams and coaches that feel they are not getting a fair go can refuse to play on and vacate the playing arena.

21. - Vaseline must be worn in excessive amounts.

New anti-terrorism laws: Aussie Citizenship Test
A new test from the government to distinguish the real from the fake.

-  How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?
-  When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?
 - Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner: a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat. b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat. c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.
-  How many beers in a slab?
-  Does "yeah-nah" mean "Yes and no" or "Maybe" or "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?
- The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character? a) Toadie from Neighbours b) Alf from  Home & Away c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?
 - When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages a) Once or twice b) As often as necessary to cook c) After each stubby d) Until charcoal?
- Name three of the Daddo brothers.
- Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?
- Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon: a) Drinking beer at a mate's place b) Drinking beer at the beach c)  - - Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?
-  Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?
-  How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?
-  How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?
-  Who are Scott and Charlene?
-  How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie? a) Squirt and spread with finger b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?
-  If the police raided your home would you: a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?
-  Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?
-  Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?
-  Thongs are: a) Skimpy underwear b) Casual footwear c) They're called jandals, bro?
-  On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? 1993, 1997, 2001 or 2005?
-  What someone is more likely to die of. 1) Red Back Spider 2) Great White Shark 3) Victorian Police Officer 4) King Brown  Snake 5) Your missus after a big night 6) Dropbear?
-  How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?
-  Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?
-  Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....
-  Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.
-  Who is current Australian test cricket captain: a) Ricky Ponting b) Don Bradman c) John Howard d) Makybe Diva?
-  Is it best to take a sick day on: a) When the cricket's on b) When the cricket's on c) When the crickets on?
-  What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?
-  What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?
-  What are Budgie smugglers?
-  Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?
-  A "Hoppoate" is: a) A breed of kangaroo b) A kind of Australian "wedgie" c) A disgraced Rugby League player?
-  What does having a 'chunder' mean?
-  When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?
-  What do the following terms mean: a) Mate? b) Maate c) Maaaaaaate?
-  What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

The English
Tributes left for a dead chicken 

Flowers and tributes were left in an alleyway where the body of a mystery dead baby was found - before police realised it was only a chicken foetus.

A member of the public discovered the remains in a back alley in the Anfield area of Liverpool. Police cordoned off the scene but soon realised that it was not a human but a chicken foetus. Well-wishers had laid more than a dozen bunches of flowers at the scene, along with cards and teddy bears.

One of the cards read: "RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx." 
Merseyside Police told the community on Monday to "stop grieving, it's only a chicken". 
A spokeswoman for Merseyside Police said: "It seems a member of the public saw the remains of a foetus, which possibly resembled a human foetus, and called us.

"We cordoned off the area to investigate, as we would with any possible suspicious death, but it became apparent it was not a human foetus. "The flowers and cards are obviously the result of local gossip, but we can assure people that the remains were not human."

Conservative MP and editor of The Spectator Boris Johnson was criticised last year after commenting in the magazine that Liverpudlians were "hooked on grief".

Coopers
September 2005

Cricket - Sledging

It's not cricket

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During a 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f*cking bat". Smith replied to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. Eventually Viv said, "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga: Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes: After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?" Brandes retorted, "Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit".

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock: After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately for Pollock the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting yelled to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it."

The Ashes 2005

Flintoff the fair dinkum Aussie hero
By Peter FitzSimons
(Filed: 30/08/2005)
Courtesy the UK Daily Telegraph  

..... Note, please, this is addressed to English readers in England .....

True story. You may recall how I told you that at the conclusion of the 2003 Rugby World Cup, right after your Jonny slotted that wretched dropped-goal and England had won, an Australian bloke watching in a pub down in Goulburn, south of Sydney, good-heartedly slapped his English friend on the back and said: "Good on yer, mate, now you know what it's like to feel like an Australian."

Sadly, fair dinkum I am starting to know what it feels like to be an Englishman. And it's not very bloody good is it?
There is that curious sense of -Flintoff's got another one - vulnerability. Not to mention that slight clamminess on the palms of your hands as you watch the best and brightest of your nation get ritually and spectacularly slaughtered.

Far and away the worst of all, though, is the recognition that our best hope must be that the better team does not win on the day.
This is just not us, I am afraid. And having the Rugby World Cup, the Ashes and a victorious Olympic bid all at one time is just not you.

Still, unaccustomed as we are, as this Ashes series has progressed we have watched agog and in record numbers, as an English team that we just knew was going to be like all the others - much vaunted, quickly haunted - turned out to be terrific.
The relief that for the first time in a generation we have a contest, has been tempered at least a little by the realisation that we are on the losing side of it.

The shock is shown in headlines across Australia, in the wake of England's win at Trent Bridge: England take 2-1 Ashes series lead… We can lift, Punter claims… Time for selection changes.

Yes, there has been some sneaking admiration, on the quiet, for some of the pluck shown by the English team but that, too, must be qualified - at least for this little Vegemite - by the underhanded approach England have taken to us Australians in this series. And I think you know what I am talking about. I'm talking about the way they have eschewed tradition, reversed the practice of many generations and basically torn up a convention that has lasted for the better part of a century.

I am talking about the fact that you have put out on the field what looks - I don't really like to use this word in their regard, but don't think I have any other choice - a likeable bunch. We want "detestable", dammit. We need detestable. And it bloody well says so, right there in black and white, on our Australian birthright, that England are honour-bound to provide us with detestable, just as they always have.

Where is the Douglas Jardine in the modern lot? Who is the Geoffrey Boycott of this early part of the 21st century for us, as a nation, to get steamed up over? It certainly isn't Michael Vaughan. How can you hate a bloke who, despite scoring hardly any runs in the first two Tests, didn't do an impersonation of an air-raid siren but bided his time and then, just when his team needed him most in the third Test, reeled off 166 stylish runs to guide England to within an ace of victory?

To compound our confusion he graciously congratulated the Australians on having put on such a magnificent fightback and sounded like he meant it. And then he bloody well guided them to another victory in the fourth Test.
Don't get me wrong, I have tried hard not to like Vaughan, just on principle, but he has made it so hard. 

Andrew Flintoff? I can put it no higher than saying that on a good day you'd reckon the English all-rounder was born and raised on Bondi Beach. He is not, of course, Australian, but he could be. Now, did we ever say that about Boycott? Mike Brearley? Tony Greig? (Only after he'd lived among us Australians for 25 years, but certainly not while he was England captain). And what a revelation Kevin Pietersen has been.

The final insult on this matter? That was when the most maligned player in your line-up, Ashley Giles, didn't collapse in the last overs at Trent Bridge, but held it together, and hit the winning run. It is all so damn confusing.

Well, we're not done yet, not by a long shot. Though the situation is dire, the truly wonderful thing is that it is the perfect time for a victory of truly epic proportions. Sure, we Australians would have preferred a 5-0 flogging of England, but the only thing that could really out-do that would be to have a titanic struggle and make it appear that England had the upper hand, make the English public think that a great and historic victory was now at hand, only to snatch it away at the last instant.

Admit it, you lot. That is precisely what you're worried about, isn't it? And for good reason.

I can do no better than recall the report filed by Marshal Ferdinand Foch, just before the Battle of the Marne in the First World War, and hope my mate Ricky Ponting is reading: "My centre is yielding, hard pressed on my right. Situation excellent. I am attacking."

Ms Collegians 2025

Austrians

  The Mayor of a small Austrian town has called on British tourists to stop stealing its road signs.
Siegfried Hauppl, mayor of Fucking, says vistors come from nearby Salzburg to pose for pictures and, sometimes, to take signs home as souvenirs.  "We had a vote last year on whether to rename the town, but decided to keep it as it is," says Siegfried.  
"After all, Fucking has existed for 800 years.  We don't give it a second thought."

Yorkshire

The Departmental Guide in the Lift at the Leeds Branch of Harvey Nichols
1st Floor: Whippets and Hairnets
2nd Floor: Oxo Cubes and Remedial Stockings
3rd Floor: Braces, Gannex Macs and Flat Caps
4th Floor: Polly Peck Tights, Tootal Co-Ordinates and Racing Pigeons.

The Five Most Popular Courses Studied at the University of Real Life, Leeds
1) Spotting a Wrong 'Un
2) How Many Beans Make Five
3) Nowt's for Nowt
4) Speaking as Ye Find
5) Calling a Spade a Spade.

Craig Brown, Way of the World, UK Daily Telegraph

The Welsh

Four Special Welcomes in the Hillsides
1) Half a glass of water
2) A Bible reading followed by bread and leeks
3) An hour and a half arm-wrestling with Ezekiel
4) A second chance to hear our Myfanwy on the harp.

Five Essential Items Available in a Luxury Welsh Country House Hotel
1) Pillows sewn into mattress to prevent removal
2) Clothes hangers stapled to the wardrobe rail
3) Electronic tags on towels and loose fittings
4) Hot-water cut-off point three inches from base of bath
5) Shawled women ghosting around tea-lounge rattling collecting tins for disaster fund.

Seven Recommended Ways to Break the Ice with a Welshman
1) Ask if it's Wales with or without an "h" that he's going on about
2) Call him Taffy
3) Challenge him to name just one famous Welsh philosopher
4) Tell him you find his verse perfectly pleasant, if a little Welsh
5) Point out he must feel awfully lucky to be within such easy reach of Birmingham
6) Ask him if Wales has any culture to speak of, apart from Tom Jones's undoubted success in Las Vegas.

Craig Brown, Way of the World, UK Daily Telegraph

The Irish

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar. 
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. They became maudlin for the 'olde sod'.  
"Ahhh," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called "MacTavish's". Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, "The Red Lion", the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy your first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's "Ryan's Bar". Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another; all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?" 
"Well not me myself personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

2012 Olympics

For those of you who remember French Nuclear Testing at Mururoa, the Rainbow Warrior and the pressure brought to bear on NZ to let the murdering scumbags go home for their medals, that was all down to Jacques Chirac. So I am delighted by recent events; Jacques publicity urges France to stop drugs coming in by closing the border between France and the Netherlands, thereby enraging the Dutch firstly by suggesting that French drug-taking is a Dutch problem and secondly for failing to realise that there isn't a border between the two countries, and managing to enrage the Belgians who do have a border with France but resent being thought of as Dutch; Jacques' support for French rural bludgers at the expense of all un-subsidised agriculture world-wide took a serious dive when the Francophone nations together with our own Don MacKinnon ganged up to oppose it; Jacques' little jokes to Schröder and Putin in a cafe about inedible and nasty English cooking was overhead and reported worldwide, embarrassing enough for tenuous Anglo-French relations as it is, and despite food at the lower-levels in England being absolutely abominable, at the level that Chirac gets to eat, England has far more Michelin-starred restaurants than France; and to be known for washing down excellent English lobster with cheapo lager isn't all that conducive to his gallic gastronomic pretensions. And I am even more delighted today by the news that Paris lost the 2012 Olympics to London, a feat I'm sure his fellow countrymen will completely blame on him. So, up yours, Jacques. God knows I've left enough messages at French embassies over the years suggesting you're not quite up to the job, or any job, as I recall. So, we may yet see Chirac cooking burgers at a McDonalds in Auckland.
The picture below was sent out about 15 minutes after the 2012 Olympics announcement.

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The Lions & Clive Woodward
July 2005

A Beating

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the British & Irish Lions Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

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Being Straylan

  This came via one degree of separation from a young female Adelaidean now living in England who I first met when I worked in Adelaide  who sent it to a mate of mine living in London who I first met through the guy he lived next door to who is the father of a Collegians' player.
  I don't agree with all of it, but some of these remind me of Australia.  Items (13) and (14) are plainly ridiculous as England doesn't have clothes-lines.  I have no idea who Ray Martin is.  I had wondered why some of the younger English say 'flamin' drongo' to me so I had presumed, since subsequently confirmed, that it had something to do with the Home & Away television programme, which is apparently a popular thing to watch of an evening in England.  I have no idea what a 'toilet dolly' is.  And I've not worn 'ugg' boots since the first time they were popular along with checked flannel shirts.  
   It's typical of Australians who live away from Australia for a month or two and start to miss home.  Item (5) below has to be dedicated to Edward Suttell.

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian" For those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"
2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car!
3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.
4) You know who Ray Martin is.
5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people "mate".
6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya doin'?"
7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugg Boots
8) You own a pair of ugg boots.
9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.
10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't know what "girt" means.
11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".
12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.
13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.
14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothesline pretending you can fly.
15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of "dress thongs" for special occasions.
16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.
17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"
18) You call soccer soccer, not football
19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little Vegemite worms.
20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.
21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.
22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.
23) You understand the value of public holidays.
24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.
25) You have a toilet dolly.
26) Your Mum or Nan made it.
27) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned out of a fence post.
28) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate"
29) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.
30) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a caravan.
31) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"
32) You've adopted a local bar as your own.
33) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical distance.
34) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's a 3 beer trip mate).

Dedicated to Andrew

One raw referee of renown
With his Div 1 went out on the town.
As he puked red and yellow
They reminded the fellow,
That, unlike his lunch, “it was down.”

... KE, July 2005

Rules of Cricket

1. There are two teams. One out, one in.
2. The team that's out try to get the player that's in, out.
3. When they do get him out, he goes in.
4. Then the next player goes out. As long as he's out, he's in.
5. The object is then for the team that's out to get the second player out. When they get him out, he goes in. 
6. This process is repeated for each innings until the team that's out gets the team that's in all out.
7. When the whole team is out, the team that was in goes out, and the team that was out goes in.
8. Then they play a second innings until they're all out. 
Except one player. He remains not out.

.....WHAT'S SO DIFFICULT ABOUT THAT ???

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Portuguese

Soccer ... of course, it's Portugal.  Portuguese refereeing. a 1Mb wmv file

The French
and The Complete American Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.
- Italian Wars
Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
- Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Revolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
- The Dutch War
Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina
Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

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The Dutch

Soccer-oriented .... click here for wmv, 765Kb

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International Rules of Manhood

Some universal truths here ... decide which

1:Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the game, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only is it permissible. 
2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: 
  a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 
  b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 
  c. After wrecking your boss' car. 
  d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
  e. When she is using her teeth. 
3: Any man who brings a camera on tour or to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates. 
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 
5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. 
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 
9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.  
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alco-pop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel....and it's free. 
12: Only in situations of moral peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside) or play the game or demonstrate the ability to drink as much as the other sports-watchers. 
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy. 
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: 
  a.Yeah, Baby, Push it! 
  b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! 
  c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an  almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.  
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.   
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.   
25:  It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.   
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.   
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.   
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever . 

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Insults

From 'The Big Book of Sports Insults', David Milstead

Shane Warne

Warne: I've been waiting for two years to have another bowl at you.
Daryll Cullinan: Looks like you spent most of it eating.
.. Sydney 1997

Shane Warne's idea of a balanced diet is a cheesburger in each hand.
.. Ian Healy, 1996

Anna Kournikova

I'm not the next Anna Kournikova.  I want to win matches.
... Russian teen Maria Sharapova, June 2004

Paul Gascoigne

I once said Gazza's IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: 'What's an IQ?'
... George Best 

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Christmas

Here's a little Christmas cheer for all from the Australian Bureau of Statistics:

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 
19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate. 
Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents. 
101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 
18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. 
A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket. 
5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars. 
3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue. 
142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts. 
58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 
and finally:
8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (passing out) while throwing up into the toilet. 

YEP! its great to be Australian! 

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Australian summer

The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water comes out of both taps.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.
You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.
You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.
You learn that David Jones isn't a department store, its a temple to worship air-conditioning.

 ... with thanks from Ben Hamer, who must've been getting homesick

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Beckham

Tuesday, October 12, 2004
From http://sports-law.blogspot.com

David Beckham, knowing he would miss the next game because of injury, intentionally fouled a Wales player, picking up his second yellow, which by rule, would keep him from the next contest.

It seemed like a pretty clever play -- if you know you are going to miss the next game anyway, go ahead and get a second yellow, so the first one is not hanging over your head when you return.

But, unfortunately for Beckham, and perhaps fortunately for the game, his ego got the better of him. So concerned was he that fans would think him stupid for picking up a second yellow, he admitted that he committed the second foul on purpose. So, now he faces possible disciplinary action by soccer's governing body for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Beckham's quote: "I'm sure some people think that I haven't got the brains to be that clever, but this shows that I do have the brains." Just not the brains to keep quiet about it.

March 2005

Beckham & what's-her-name, call their latest child, a boy, 'Cruz', meaning 'Cross' in Castillian, a girl's name, generally inserted as one of the minor names.

Lunch

  Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were eating their packed lunches and Raul said; 'Tapas again! If I get tapas one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium' Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' Beckham opened his lunch and said,'Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham &Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' 
  The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his death. Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death as well. 
  At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!' Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing oversized sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. 'Hey, don't look at me, said Posh, David makes his own lunch.'

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Lawyers

We have quite a few in the Club, lurking about, on Committees and doing things and playing Rugby.  And I'm putting my life at risk here, but I, at least, think it's funny.

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England - UEFA 2004

  They didn't have a chance did they?  This is soccer I'm talking about by the way.  After leading against France all through the 90 minutes, France scores two goals in injury time to win the game.  Thus the joke 'Why do French women prefer English men?  Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come second'.  
  I'm staying in an English household so I'm trying not to be too sympathetic because I'm supporting Portugal to win.  Why?  Well, I like the Portuguese and the way they can play given some confidence and it would be good for a host nation to win; not that I've much interest or understanding in the game you realise.
  So Portugal play England.  Portugal won.  Yes, there was a disputed goal but Portugal were all over the English and had them permanently on the defensive.  It came to a penalty shoot-out to decide the winner.  You might as well toss a coin I argue, but then what do I know about the game?  David Beckham is England's best penalty kicker - he can bend the ball like, well, like Beckham, or so we're given to understand.  Beckham takes first kick, it goes over the top of the post (no, not a score in soccer ... yes, maybe it should be ... nevertheless...) and ultimately the Portuguese have their goalie take the last penalty kick to, as I understand the Portuguese, help the English understand who are the real men here.  Beckham subsequently takes a pasting from the English fans, media, politicians, priests, pre-schoolers.  
  So ... Jonny Wilkinson dredges up a few memories of past but recent glories - hence the photograph below showing Jonny & Becks together.

  Since the loss ... there's not been as much interest in UEFA here anymore.  Greece defeated the Czechs.  Greece play Portugal in the Final on Sunday. 
  Go you Portuguese!

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England - post RWC

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

FOR SALE

One chariot, (low-swinging, sweet type),in urgent need of repair (wheels have come off again). One careless owner, details from Clive, Tel.Twickenham 20-14.

FOR SALE

100,000 Grand Slam t-shirts, ties & scarves - unused (choice of 1998/99, 1999/2000, 2000/2001and 2003/2004 ) 
Contact : RFU, Twickenham.

LOST (on way to Twickenham) 
(i) Plan B (ii) Graciousness (iii) Bottle.
Please contact : L. Dallaglio, C. Woodward.

MEN CHOKE IN FRONT OF LARGE CROWD 

49,000 spectators watched helplessly yesterday as 15 sportsmen choked in front of them, apparently after being force-fed a large slice of humble pie. A doctor attending the scene said that the men had a medical history of this sort of thing: apparently it also happened in 2000 in Edinburgh, Wembley in 1999 and Landsdowne in 2001. 

IN MEMORIAM 

Slam, G : passed away, 7th Feb 2004. Sorely missed by Clive and the boys.

... with thanks to Kevin Roche for the above

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Cricket - backyard rules

The following has a Sydney-suburbs bias to it.  
And Heelers don't slobber.

Wisden Cricinfo staff
December 16, 2003

The ICC in conjunction with Cricket Australia have today released a standard code of conduct for Backyard Cricket.

1. GENERAL RULES
1a. Can't Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco dickhead a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep; which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer. 

1b. Caught Behind (auto wikky): Since no one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut. 

1c. One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. Note that this rule only applies when the fielder is holding a beer in their other hand.

1d. No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as is test driving a Zimmer frame.  

1e. Six And Out (Then Fetch It): Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.  

1f. Standard Over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard length of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between 10-12 balls. You only relinquish the bowling duties when questioned by any fielders or opposing team members. But only after the standard response of "Two to Come".

2. ESSENTIAL ITEMS

2a. Esky: Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer. 

2b. Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence (see rule 1e). Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers. 

2c. Dog: Preferably of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that disappear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards. 

2d. Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.  

2e. Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, it's usually of 1980's vintage with a single scoop, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.

3. CODE OF ETHICS

3a. Stumps: The game draws to a close when, i) Your host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas,  ii) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it disappears down the drain (not withstanding rules 1e and 2c),  iii) You can't get that batsman out with any type of bowling pace or spin, or  iv) Your girlfriend cracks the shits and wants to go home because you "become a shit" when you hang around with your mates.  

3b. Flower Damage: Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species. 

3c. Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie.  Fat Chance. The feat prompts shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one while you're at it!" 

3d. No Running Between Wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs? 

3e. Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they're chopping wood, and they bowl as if throwing left-handed. And they can't handle yorkers. Still, someone has to make the salad. 

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England and the RWC

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an England Rugby jersey and is festooned with England pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave." The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the poms receiving the kickoff.
They march down field, get stopped at the 22, and kick a penalty goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a try?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

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Kiwis - test tickets ... an oldie but a goodie

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate problems, and that the only cure was an immediate testicular removal. "No way doc, I'm here for the rugby" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second English doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk gud for thut! " said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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Victorians & AFL

Note that its a guide for Victorians!

Rugby World Cup - Rough Guide for Victorians

20 teams will be competing for the title of "World Champions". This is a bit like being AFL champions, except it allows teams from outside Queensland to win. Each of the 20 teams represents a different country, which is a lot   different to AFL. However don't let this confuse you. Most of the teams are very similar to one of the AFL teams, and they even have club songs (called "national anthems").
 
When you're tipping just think of the corresponding AFL club and you can't go wrong. Well, not much anyway.  

New Zealand = Collingwood. Appear to be top notch, and think it's their destiny to win - but rarely do, much to everyone's delight.
England = Port Adelaide - Chokers
Australia = Brisbane. Always seem to win the games that matter - somehow.
France = Sydney - Underestimated
South Africa = Essendon. Not as good as they used to be.
Ireland = St Kilda. Sentimental favourites but never do much.
Wales = Hawthorn. Were good once - A long time ago
Scotland = Geelong - Skirt wearers and too inconsistent to threaten.
Argentina = Fremantle. Better than they used to be, but not there yet.
Italy = Richmond. Long haired pretty boys
Samoa = Melbourne. Mystery men
Fiji = West Coast. Entertainers...and that's all.
Canada = Western Bulldogs. Love a scrap.
USA = Adelaide. Everyone wants to beat them.
Georgia = Kangaroos. No supporters.
Tonga = Carlton mark I - enough said.
Namibia = Carlton mark II
Uruguay = Carlton mark III
Japan = Carlton mark IV
Romania = Carlton mark V

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Australia

And an e-mail from a reader in Holland ... which goes to show how loved we all are by those from all parts of this world

The Golden Phone

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. 

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. 

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. 

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" 

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call". 

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The Blonde

She's hot .... download the blonde ... a 1Mb file - right click on the image, then save it

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Wallabies 2003

NEWS FLASH!!
Saddam Hussein has appeared on Iraqi TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Saddam stated that he "watched the rugby on Saturday and the Wallabies were crap." UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 12 months.

... well, this was loooong before the Wallabies beat New Zealand in November 

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Forwards & Backs
Contributed by Sean Smith ... 24th May 2003

  Front Row - Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Revelling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't even considered human at all. This attitude is tolerated by front rowers far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking". 
 Locks - Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage, you wish to keep near this group's mouth when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a  little too  seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking" they are usually just dumb. 
  Back Row #'s 6, 7 & 8 - These are fine fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game. 
  Scrum Half - Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the #9 as half a fag. While this position is almost always filled by the toughest back, this idea is almost laughable kind of like the hottest ugly chick. The scrum half's presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum.  The #9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile. 
  Fly Half - Primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honour at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell is ability to throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually gay. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose. 
  Centres - Usually come in two varieties - hard charger or flitting fairy. The hard charger is the one to acquire as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above #8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post game festivities. 
  Back Three - While some people refer to this group as 2 wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They are all homos if you ask me. How these three guys can play 80 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win", how cute. These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearing', wine sipping', sweet talking' homos in the corner avoiding the beer swilling at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this group because in the end, they sure are "purty" to look at. In Short: The lower the number - the better the man. 
 ... Author unknown 

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The Brits

  A zealous traffic warden has been sent for "retraining" after putting a ticket on a bus as it picked up passengers at a bus stop.  Chris O'Mahoney, the driver of a No. 77 in Manchester, thought it was a practical joke when the warden, pen in  hand, emerged from the queue and booked him.  "He told me the bus had been booked because it had parked in a restricted area, " Mr O'Mahoney, 27, said last week.  "I said, 'Restricted to who?' and he said, 'Buses'."
The Weekly Telegraph, Issue no 606, 5-11 March 2003

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The Neighbourhood

  "We had nicknames like Scarface and Toothless and those were just the cheerleaders." Frank Layden, former coach of the Utah Jazz, in response to a reporter's question as to how tough his high school in Brooklyn was.
Peter Fitzsimons, SMH, February 2003

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Waratahs

I quote Peter Fitzsimons ... 

  "This is one of those stories TFF has not checked, on the very reasonable grounds that I really WANT it to be true, and am petrified a single phone call to some-one who'd know might ruin it for everybody if it proved to be nonsense ... Ahem. I am reliably told the Waratahs have all been issued with heart-rate monitors similar to a watch which, after exercise, can download data into a computer to measure resting heart rates, heart rates during exercise, rate of recovery, etc. 
  In addition to the scheduled team training, each player must do a session by themselves each day with the monitor on when their heart rate goes over a certain level. 
  One day last week, after one player handed in his monitor and the info was downloaded, the medical staff suddenly became seriously alarmed. They urgently called the player - who may or may not have recently converted from rugby league, TFF is not saying, not, not, NOT ? and asked if he had done his additional training.   
  "Yes ... " he replied, looking perhaps a little strained - "What did you do?" they asked. "A big sprint session down at my local park …" 
  On and on the questioning went - until the player asked what the problem was. The problem was the monitor was showing a report of 300 beats per minute - at which rate the human body long ago blew up. 
  It turns out the player had strapped the monitor onto his rottweiler and made it chase balls for the session ..."

With thanks from Peter Fitzsimons, TFF, The Sydney Morning Herald, February 2003

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The South Africans

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The English & The South Africans, again

Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks.  "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know  it's important but we've just beaten the All Blacks and Australia in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only South Africa. They're  
shite and we can't be bothered".

Johnny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Johnny goes out to play South Africa by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars. 

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads  "England 7 - South Africa 0 (Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".  
He is beating South Africa all by himself! 

Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on".

They put the telly back on. 
"Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) - South Africa 7 (Paulse 79 minutes)".

They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against South Africa and maintained England's unbeaten run at home!! 
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, seated with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Johnny.

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against South Africa, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team.  "No, No, I have" says Wilkinson, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

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Again ... the Kiwis

"What do you say to a Kiwi bloke with a be-yooooood-i-ful woman on his arm?
Answer: 'Hey, nice tattoo'."
From TFF, Peter FitzSimons, Sydney Morning Herald, October 26-27 2002
And he says that's no disrespect to " .. you many beautiful Kiwi women ... it's the Kiwi men I am keen to gratuitously offend."

How do Kiwis practice safe sex?  They paint an X on the back of the sheep that kick.

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Welsh imports

  Nick Walsh and Andrew Emmanuel have bought a car which looks from a distance like it might be, or may have been, an XD Falcon.  On the belief that Australia is a perpetually sunny country and sunshine is something they both want a lot of they turned the sedan into a convertible by the judicious use of an angle grinder.  At the time I saw the car the weather was unpleasant enough to discourage any close inspection of the conversion. 

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Hardmen of soccer
Argentine team, World Cup 2002

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NZ to be Disbanded: PM claims "Nobody's using it anyway"

AUCKLAND, Tuesday:

Following the successful disbanding of the armed forces the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Helen Clark, has unveiled a new bold plan to totally disband the entire nation.

In a statement to the world's press Prime Minister Clarke unveiled her "Great step nowhere" plan. Launching the plan Clark suggested that reports that their armed forces had been forced to say "bang, bang" during war exercises had been the final nail in the coffin for the once-almost-proud nation. "For years now we've been doing nothing of value. All our really profitable industries have gone overseas. Music, kiwi fruit, Russell Crowe. After that it's basically just a bunch of sheep and a once proud rugby team. Even the Cricketers are poor by world standards" Clark said.

Clark went on to outline the timetable for disbanding the nation following the sale of the Navy's two dinghies and after the Army gives its shotgun back to the British. In a sometimes emotional presentation, Ms Clarke outlined the difficulties facing the former country. "Every nation has it's problems but, as the leader, you can always look at some other loser nation and say "They're worse off than us". We finally realised that we could no longer do that." The final nail in the coffin came last Monday when the New Zealand treasury tabled a report that found that Adam Gilchrist's new contract with the Australian Cricket Board had him earning more than the entire New Zealand GDP. "When that hit us we realised that the ship of state was pretty much Gunwale deep in sediment and it was time to turn off the bilge pumps and move to a real country," a treasury spokesman said.

All industry and businesses are expected to have left the Islands by the end of June and all Government responsibilities will cease at the first of July. Any farmers wishing to remain will do so on a purely subsistence basis with the possibility of a feudal system developing by the end of September. The All Blacks will maintain a training facility near Otago until the end of August after which time New Zealand in all it's forms and pursuits will cease to exist. When asked how the loss of the entire nation of New Zealand will affect the region a world bank spokesman called for an atlas.

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Give us smaller condoms: NZ Men
From "The Age" 28/2/2002

New Zealanders wanting to buy government-subsidised condoms have a problem: there are not enough small ones. "Literally, one size does not fit all," said Dr Peter Moodie, medical director for Pharmac, the government agency which manages New Zealand's pharmaceuticai subsidies schedule.

He said Pharmac would call for proposals from pharmaceutical companies about the range of condoms they could supply. This followed consultations with sexual health practitioners who criticispd the tendering process because only "standard condoms" ended up being available. "We want to offer the maximum choice" Dr Moodie said yesterday. Condoms are available in supermarkets but health-card holders can save by buying in bulk on prescription. Around 7.6 million condoms are prescribed in New Zealand at an annual cost of $1.2 million under the subsidy scheme. Condom choice has been limited to three sizes but this was "the minimum acceptable" and did not necessarily meet consumer demand, Pharmac said.

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Croc
From The Fitz Files, Sydney Morning Herald, Saturday 3rd August 2002

  It's one of those stories from many years ago which has just come to light. The last time the Pope was in Australia he found himself contemplating the beauty of a river deep in the wilds of the Northern Territory when a sudden commotion on the far shore attracted his attention.
  There, in the jaws of a massive crocodile was a man wearing an All Black jersey, desperately struggling to get free. On the instant, three blokes wearing Wallaby jerseys roared into view on a speedboat.
  The first bloke fired a harpoon into the croc's ribs, while the other two reached and pulled the Kiwi from the river and, using long clubs, beat the croc to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead croc and then prepared for a hasty retreat.
  What the ... ? There was a bloke wearing a small white beanie, summoning them to the shore. Curious, they hove to, and the fellow said in this thick accent: I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia and New Zealand but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." With which, he blessed them and drove off in a cloud of dust.
  As he departed the harpoonist turned to the other Aussies and asked: "Who the bloody hell was that?" "That", one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom." "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f --- all about croc hunting! Now, will this bait still do, or do we need to get another one?"

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The best of 2001 - Part 3
Date: 05/01/2002 SMH
The FitzFiles by Peter FitzSimons

Best Pommy putdown
After the First Test against the Lions in Brisbane in July, Australians the world over were doing it tough - and nowhere worse than in Britain. The wretched Poms, fired up as never before, were taunting our people, boasting about their own sporting supremacy, and carrying on like PORK CHOPS! At the time, I at least took solace from a story sent in by Tim Kelly, an expat Aussie living in England
...
"On the way to Wimbledon on Saturday, I stepped into a pub just near Southfields tube station to watch the rugby. I consider myself a patriotic Australian, but watching rugby in England amongst a sea of red, it's sometimes better to be diplomatically silent. However, a group of Aussies had already camped themselves in a corner and were gearing up for a bit of banter. I could hear a conversation between two Aussies, one of them obviously Victorian. He couldn't fathom the Lions team at all.
'The team is made up of the best players from Ireland, England, Wales and Scotland,' his mate told him.
'So it's an All Star team then?'
'Not really.'
'But four countries, five countries if you count Northern Ireland as a separate country, against one. Is that fair?'
His mate looked at me for help. I told him about the tradition of the Lions and the enormous interest they create. As the game progressed, and the Aussie corner became more and more invisible, the Victorian spoke up again. 'If they're so good, how did we become the world champions?' 'They can't play in the World Cup,' came the reply.
'So, in the scheme of things, this means absolutely nothing.'
His mate looked like the straight man in a comedy duo. As the English became more and more rowdy, the Victorian became more and more patriotic. One Englishmen threw a comment his way: 'You're getting killed, you dirty Aussie bastards!'
The Victorian launched into him.
'Five countries versus one. A country of 20 million, where only two states play the game. Even those two states divide the best players into rugby league and rugby union. What the f--- are you proud of?'
I took my leave ..."

And my personal favourite ...
In 1978, the Wallabies were about to play the All Blacks at Eden Park. On the morning of the match, stand-in manager Ross Turnbull talked to the team, then asked the backs to leave him with the forwards. It was just Turnbull with the pigs.
"Look," he said, waving an airy hand at the just-departed backs, "these Phantom comic swappers and Mintie eaters, these blond-headed flyweights are one thing, and we will need them after the hard work's done. But the real stuff's got to be done right here by you blokes." The Wallabies went on to a famous win, and that story, recounted by one of the forwards in the room, Chris Handy, has always been the best exposition of the difference between backs and forwards. Until this year ... In May, Paul Jurdeczka emailed me a spoof invented by the lads from the Thirsty Third Grade of the Macquarie University Beacons.
It is based on the courtroom scene in A Few Good Men, in which Colonel Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson, gives his thundering oration from the dock to Lieutenant Kaffee (Tom Cruise), justifying marine atrocities. Now, though, it is a prop giving a namby-pamby winger the rounds of the kitchen. And though I haven't been able to resist touching up the original Beacons version, here it is: 
  "Son, in this world there are scrums, and those scrums have to be manned by men called props. Who's gonna do it? You? As a prop, I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. We use words like 'loose-head', 'blind side' and 'scrum pox'; we use those words as the backbone of a life spent defending something - you use them as a punchline.
  "You weep for your wingers and centres, and you curse the prop. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the front row, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins these games you play. Truth?
You can't handle the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about in your wingers ballet classes, you want me in that scrum; you need me in that scrum. 
  "I neither have the time nor inclination to explain myself to a sissy back who manages to score on and off the field under the very blanket of ball retention that I provide, and then QUESTIONS the manner in which I provide it.
  "I would rather you just bought me a beer and a pie with sauce and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you crawl into that scrum and get dirty. Either way, I don't give a damn!!!!"

pfitzsimons@smh.com.au

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Tommy Cooper

For those who remember Tommy Cooper these are a reminder .....
Tommy Cooper at his best. Some oldies but still funny.
For those who don't remember Tommy Cooper - he died in the middle of a stand-up routine of a heart attack which the audience took to be part of his act and applauded.  It would've been the way he'd want to go.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. The dentist said say "Aahh".
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree and a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I went out driving to do some shopping and parked my car.
Someone left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
"So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Bloke goes to the doctors with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his arse.
Doctor says "hmmmm that's strange"
Bloke replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a-salted

A  jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't  start anything."

A  sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic  man walks into a  bra.

A  man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the  road."

Two  cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly I was   artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.  "It's true, straight up, no  bull!"

Two  hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."  The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

I  went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are  too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of  muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A  man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I  know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to  a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

A man walks into  doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's...  um...well... I have five penises." replies the man " Blimey!" says the  doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream' He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

 And ...
 A true story .... courtesy of http://www.beebfun.com/tc.htm

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.

'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy. 
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen. 
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy. 
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen. 
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy. 
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.' 
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy. 
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.' 
'Do you like football?' said Tommy. 
'Well not really ' said the Queen.' 
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

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Haiku

In Japan, haiku poetry is of only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.
However, in English this provides far too many syllables which makes it far too easy to write Haiku.  It should be 3-5-3 in English.  However, in 'traditional' Haiku:

It should be remembered that it's also not so easy writing it in English either.  For instance the quintessence of unspoken mutual understanding is to be found in the word yoroshiku: 'You have understood what I want you to do. I have understood that you have understood what I want you to do. Therefore I leave it up to you to finish the task and I expect it to be done in the way I want it to be done. And I thank you for understanding me and agreeing to take the trouble to do the task.' All this in four syllables.  
(this latter quote from The Bluffer's Guide to Haiku)

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Overheard on the sideline

June 2001:
"Why is it that everyone laughs when someone passes the ball to the big guy, you know, the one who only ever runs 5 metres?  Just the same as the belief that water cures everything - from broken bones to reconstructive surgery.  Just spray some more water on, that'll fix it.  One of life's mysteries."

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Overheard in the clubhouse

March 2007: 
Peter James is a technophobe and his mobile phone had filled up.  Denzil had to show him how to delete all the pictures off his mobile phone of photographs of the inside of his left pocket.

And from the 2003 RWC: Ollie Porter drinking in the Earl, his own pub, goes outside for a smoke.  But the bouncers wouldn’t let him back in again because they reckoned he’d had too many and the place was full. But I own the place says Ollie.  Sure you do say the bouncers.

Heard in May 2003 but relating to a time in the 1980s:
  Collegians' were playing St Ignatius and as Ignatius lacked the numbers Harry Clark offered to play for them.  Harry was playing on the wing and had the ball at Ignatius' 25 metre line with not a single Collegians' player between him and the Collegians' try-line.  It was a magic run, pounding down the pitch with no players on either side to concern him, he's within a few metres of scoring when the referee, Jesse James, takes him from the side just below the hips and grounds him. Jesse manages to land on his feet from the tackle, grabs his whistle, up goes the arm, and there's a penalty against Harry for not releasing the ball.

September 2002:
Ray Butler "It's not a kimono, it's a silk dressing gown".  Ray had been living with Hamish - Denzil woke him up to get to the matches on the 7th of September and was confronted by an apparition in silk.

November 2001:

Collegians' Committee Member at the club on Thursday night said something along the lines of - "I was looking at our website last night and came across a page with an aerial view of the club but I just can't seem to find it again" .... The aerial view of the clubhouse for those who recently landed from the planet zog is the front page of this very website.  The "our website" could then have been none other than rugbynet. 

Had it been anyone else less gormless or with an identifiable sense of humour I'd have thought there was a bit of winding-up going on.  But I suspect not.  Brought to you by the same moron who told Jesse it was his fault the juniors did so badly for letting the current junior coordinators take it over.  No prizes for guessing who the current coordinators are.

June 2001:
"Old Custard Guts" is ?

April 2001:
Hamish on training night the 19th of April - just prior to Esme's wedding: Here am I, a Level 2 coach, and the excuse I get for so few of the women turning up is that they're too busy training their hairstyles.  Oh how low I've fallen in the world ... etc. etc.

March 2001:
One of our women players: "I asked do I look fat in this skirt and he told me no it's all that food you keep stuffing in your face that makes you look fat."

Late February 2001:
A life member and juniors' identity - to Paul Horne - You know the website is ok, but I do wish you'd make those pictures bigger .... 
(If any of you missed that one I can't help you)

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Overhead in the pub

Friday 29th November 2002: Joyce Spry "I'm glad I've got a tail to hang on to".|
Regarding the prawn bar snacks

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Balance

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh
day.  He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."